Hold On
by Crys Ritter
Summary: A Lucas-centric ELFy-angst fic.
1. Default Chapter

****

"Hold On"

a songfic by Crys Ritter 2004

for my sister, on her birthday, January 21.

No copy write infringement intended. I don't own the characters of _seaQuest DSV _or the music of _Good Charlotte, Pat Benetar, Everclear, 3 Doors Down and Suzy Flowers._

Depression is a black box there is only one escape from....

or so it seems.

||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||

this world  
this world is cold  
but you don't  
you don't have to go  
you're feeling sad, you're feeling lonely  
and no one seems to care  
your mothers gone and your father hits you  
this pain you cannot bear  
but we all bleed the same way as you do   
and we all have the same things to go through

Lucas...

I never ....

I never thought you were so cold and lonely.

I knew your family was distant, I knew there were secrets you couldn't share. 

I wish I had told you ....

I wish I had shared my secrets, we had more in common than we knew.  


__

When 'being good' means sitting so quiet  
when 'being good' means you're always achieving  
when 'being good' means being just like you  
when 'being good' means never disagreeing  
How many lose when one heart's in hiding?  
how many lose when one heart wants to be dying?  
how many lose when one heart stops trying?  
  
_Wounds of the Fathers  
wounds of the Mothers  
wounds of the Daughters and the Sons  
visit all of us, visit everyone  
How many lose when one heart is broken?  
how many lose when our love's unspoken?  
how many lose when one heart's forgotten? _

You tried so hard to be everyone's everything,

"Such a good boy", they all said.

Too late, we can all say it now.

  
_They cry in the dark, so you can't see their tears  
They hide in the light, so you can't see their fears  
Forgive and forget, all the while  
Love and pain become one and the same  
In the eyes of a wounded child _

Because Hell  
Hell Is For Children  
And you know that their little lives can become such a mess  
Hell  
Hell Is For Children  
And you shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh 

It's all so confusing, this brutal abusing  
Hell is for Hell  
_Hell is for Hell_

Keeping the masks that we both wear....

Putting the past behind, try not to care.

Paying the ultimate price

pretending we don't care.

__

hold on if you feel like letting go  
hold on it gets better than you know  
  
_the days, you say they're way too long  
and your nights, you can't sleep at all  
and you're not sure what you're waiting for but you don't want to no more  
and you're not sure what you're looking for but you don't want to no more  
_

Days that I felt I couldn't face ....

Days that you never came out of your room ....

Days that when we did, the circles nearly hid the eyes we fought to keep open.

I keep telling myself that someday it'll get better but I'm not sure when or how.

  
_but we all bleed the same way as you do  
and we all have the same things to go through  
  
hold on if you feel like letting go  
hold on it gets better than you know  
don't stop looking you're one step closer  
don't stop searching it's not over  
hold on  
_

Day by day, I keep on hoping ....

But now that you're gone I'm loosing hope ....

Then I see all that you could have been....

all that you might have done.

I have to hold on.

  
_what are you looking for  
what are you waiting for  
do you know what you're doing to me_

I missed the signs, I didn't see what you had going on.

You waited and I didn't show ....

I didn't show how much I cared.

__

  


I wish I could be like all my heroes  
I wish I could be like all yours too  


I don't wanna be wasted  
No, I don't wanna live inside of this daydream anymore  
I just wanna be happy again  
I don't wanna be wasted, I don't wanna be  
I don't wanna be wasted, I don't wanna be  
I don't wanna be wasted, I don't wanna be blind  
No, I don't want to be blind  
No, I don't want to be blind 

I wish I hadn't been deaf, hadn't been blind....

If I hadn't stayed mute,

You'd not have gone and left me behind.

There's another world inside of me   
That you may never see  
There's secrets in this life  
That I can't hide  
Somewhere in this darkness  
There's a light that I can't find  
Maybe it's too far away...  
Maybe I'm just blind...

Maybe I'm just blind...

Maybe ....

Just maybe if I could open up

Let the light shine, show them what's inside

It won't be too late for me.

  
_So hold me when I'm here  
Love me when I'm wrong  
Hold me when I'm scared  
And love me when I'm gone  
Everything I am  
And everything you need  
I'll also be the one  
You wanted me to be  
I'll never let you down_  
_Even if I could   
I'd give up everything  
If only for your good  
_

I'd do it right now, if only you'd come back to me ....

__

I won't tell you a damn thing   
That I could not tell my friends  
Roaming through this darkness  
I'm alive but I'm alone  
Part of me is fighting this  
But part of me is gone

I don't afraid to go

but I don't think I can stay now.

When hero's fall, in love or war  
They live forever  
When your dreams won't come true  
Can you hear this prayer  
'Coz someone's there for you  
This is a song  
A song for the lonely  
And that's not you only  
Through the darkest night  
You're gonna see the light  


Only you could make me hurt so bad ....

only you could give me such great hope.

So lonely inside  
So busy out there  
And all you wanted  
was somebody who cares  
Your hand is all I have to keep me hanging on

Looking back, I can look forward now.

__

GO AHEAD  
what are you waiting for  
  
hold on if you feel like letting go  
hold on it gets better than you know  
don't stop looking, you're one step closer  
don't stop searching, it's not over...hold on 

Wait for me, please wait on me ....

Don't let go ....

Please don't go ....

We were closer than you know ....

I have to hold on,

even though you're gone ....

  
I'll always miss you.

  


****

Look into the future   
What do you see   
I really need to know now   
Is there a place for me   
And tell me, where do we go from here   
  
Take me as you find me   
For what I am   
And when I make mistakes   
Please understand   
And as long as I know you're near   
There is nothing for me to fear   
  
Out of the darkness   
A light shines   
Burning through the coldest night   
And we can find our way _(Together we'll make it)_   
With every step we take _(Moving closer together)_   
If we're gonna survive   
The dream must stay alive   
  
Baby, will you hold me, when I'm afraid   
See me through the danger, 'til the break of day   
If there's love, there's a chance for me   
Just believe in yourself, you'll see 

HOLD ON HOLD ON HOLD ON HOLD ON HOLD ON HOLD ON HOLD ON HOLD ON 

  
  



	2. Reflections on sunsets

Through the mirror of my mind   
Time after time   
I see reflections of you and me   
Reflections of the way life used to be   
Reflections of the love you took from me.

Lucas heard the faint laughter of his friends inside the house. He ran a hand through his bangs, pushing his hair back, making it more tousled. "Oh man, what am I doing out here?" He looked longingly back at the beach house. Shivering, Lucas tucked his hands into his pockets.

  
Oh, I'm all alone now   
No love to shield me   
Trapped in a world   
That's a distorted reality   
Happiness you took from me   
And left me alone   
With only memories 

"Stupid, I'm so stupid." He turned his back on the house filled with the seaQuest crew. "Dad was right, I'm not missed unless someone needs something." He climbed up and sat on the rail, looking down at the waves crashing against the quay. "Just a tool, a freak."

Through the mirror of my mind   
Through these tears that I'm crying   
Reflects a hurt I can't control   
'Cause although you're gone   
I keep holding on   
To the happy times   
Oh, when you were mine 

"It's always the same." He scrubbed a hand across his cheeks, wiping away the hot tears. "They say they love me, say they care, but they never notice it when I'm gone." He looked back over his shoulder, hoping that someone, anyone, might leave the party and come looking for him.

As I peer through the window   
Of lost time   
Looking over my yesterdays   
And all the love I gave all in vain   
All the love that I've wasted   
All the tears that I've tasted   
All in vain 

  
  
"Mom, Dad ....I never should have left. I should have stayed where I belonged." He turned back to stare at the ocean, not caring about the tears that tracked cold down his neck. "If I'd stayed.... maybe you'd have stayed too." He said softly.

Through the hollow of my tears  
I see a dream that's lost  
From the hurt  
That you have caused  
  
Everywhere I turn  
Seems like everything I see 

Reflects the love that used to be.

  
"I was just dreaming, thinking I could change things, that I could be everything that you always said I could." He felt like screaming, wondering if he did, if anyone would hear him over the raucous laughter reverberating from the house.

  
In you I put All my faith and trust   
Right before my eyes My world has turned to dust   
After all the nights I sat alone and wept   
Just a handful of promises Are all that's left of loving you. 

A breeze stirred behind him, carrying dust past him and out over the water. Lucas watched it swirl in lazy patterns before falling onto the water and disappearing.

"Dust on the wind." He murmured. Lucas jumped down and leaned out to watch as small fish leaped out of the water, appearing to chase the cascading soil.  



	3. Song of my soul

AGGGHHH! Oh how the plot bunnies torment me! Due to a nasty virus, my computer has been down for the last two and a half months, I've been sneaking into fanfic on the computer at work when I can but it's not the same as being able to stay up 'til 3 a.m. at home reading it.

Note to self: No matter how sick a 12-year-old claims to be, NEVER leave them alone with a network connection!

The usual disclaimers apply; I don't own seaQuest, Nathan, Kristen or Lucas. (sigh) The song is an old hymn supposedly Quaker in origin. I recently discovered that Enya has recorded it, someday I may try to get a copy, I'd love to hear it sung.

Lucas stood at the rail, looking out at the sunset. He sighed and shook his head.

"Is something wrong Lucas?" Kristen asked, joining him on the deck.

"No." He leaned against her and she hugged him. "Just letting go and saying goodbye."

"Goodbye to who?" Nathan had come outside too. He stood on the other side of the teen, putting an arm around the boy.

"To myself." Lucas answered. Nathan and Kristen hugged him tighter. "Not in a bad way." He continued, "I'm letting go of a past that I never wanted." Lucas quickly kissed each of the adults on the cheek, "and embracing a life I've always dreamed about."

__

My life goes on in endless song  
above earth's lamentations,  
I hear the real, though far-off hymn  
that hails a new creation.

Through all the tumult and the strife  
I hear it's music ringing,  
it sounds an echo in my soul.  
How can I keep from singing?

Lucas leaned into the warm embrace of his new family as the waves crashed loudly against the seawall, spraying them with the cool saltwater. The sun sank ever lower into the sea, painting the beach with lengthening shadows. Never again would he know fear in the darkness.

__

While though the tempest loudly roars,   
I hear the truth it liveth.  
And though the darkness 'round me close,  
songs in the night it giveth.

No storm can shake my inmost calm  
While to that rock I'm clinging.  
Since love is lord of heaven and earth,  
how can I keep from singing?


	4. You can count on me

****

"You can count on me" song by Greg Evigan. I don't own it, just borrowing, so don't get upset.

Still don't own the seaQuest crew, just borrowing them too.

Nathan looked around, noticing that Lucas had slipped away from the noisy group gathered at the beach house. Kristen too, had disappeared. He smiled at his gathered crew and walked out onto the deck. Lucas and Kristen stood at the rail, looking out at the ocean. Nathan walked up behind them, to stand at Lucas' side. His heart lurched painfully and he hugged Lucas, pulling Kristen into the embrace too.

Nathan blinked away tears as Lucas kissed his cheek. His heart settled back where it felt right, felt lighter.**  
**

You can count on me.  
No matter what you do.  
You can count on me.  
No matter where you go.

I'm standing by your side.  
I'll be right behind.  
No one loves you more than I do,  
Put your hand in mine.  


Not since Carol had died, had he felt so happy, not since Robert's death had his life felt so complete. He looked past Lucas to see Kristen smiling at him. He laced his fingers with hers and squeezed Lucas' left hand.

****

  
I can see a part of me in you.  
A little something special  
That comes shining through.  
I hear it in your laughter,  
And I feel it when you cry,  
I will be right there for you,  
Until the day I die.  


Despite the cool water spraying over them, Nathan felt warm. The sun was going down, painting the sky red. "Sailor's delight." He murmured.

Lucas looked up, grinning from under his shaggy blond hair. The light seemed to reflect from the teen's blue eyes.

  
You can count on me.  
No matter what you do.  
You can count on me.  
No matter where you go.  
You can count on me. 

"I love you, Lucas." Said Nathan.

"We love you, Lucas." Kristen amended.

God I hope this doesn't suck as much I think it does .............................

I know you're out there .................. I can hear you breathing!


	5. I Know You're Out There

Wow look at that, I'm updating once every three months. That must be a speed record for me. Not that it matters I guess, no one seems to be reading this thing but me anyway. I take that back, I did get one review, off site. Thanks prescottpea!

Did anyone notice that Sir Lucas wasn't at VisionCon this year? I didn't think much about it until I heard about Jonathan and then it seemed like a really bad omen. What happened to him? Anyone know?

Well anyway, I don't own seaQuest and the lyrics belong to The Moody Blues.

Unless the muses wander back, I doubt there will be another chapter.

__

The mist is lifting slowly  
I can see the way ahead  
And I've left behind the empty streets  
That once inspired my life  
And the strength of the emotion  
Is like thunder in the air  
'Cos the promise that we made each other  
Haunts me to the end  
  
_I know you're out there somewhere  
Somewhere, somewhere  
I know you're out there somewhere  
Somewhere you can hear my voice  
I know I'll find you somehow  
Somehow, somehow  
I know I'll find you somehow  
And somehow I'll return again to you_

  
  
Here I am. Back on Earth. Everything seems like some kind of ugly nightmare that I can't seem to wake up from. You're gone. They're gone. But it's you I miss the most.

Part of me believes that you _are_ dead and that stronger part of me says it isn't true, that it's impossible that someone like you could no longer exist. A light like yours can't.... die.

If we made it back so can you, I just have to find you.

__

The secret of your beauty  
And the mystery of your soul  
I've been searching for in everyone I meet  
And the times I've been mistaken  
It's impossible to say  
And the grass is growing  
Underneath our feet

  
  
They think I'm crazy for trying, that I've lost my mind to come back here. To come back this way. But I don't have any other choice. I won't give up, I won't give in. You taught me that. There's a solution to every problem; I just have to look for it. It's harder than I thought. This time, this place, is nothing like before. I feel like I've aged a hundred years and that time is running out. It's urgent that I find you. Not just for your sake but for mine as well. What if I fail?__

From the words that I remember  
From my childhood still are true  
That there's no so blind  
As those who will not see  
And to those who lack the courage  
And say it's dangerous to try  
Well they just don't know  
That love eternal will not be denied  


It's not impossible, just improbable. I'll keep trying even if it kills me. I lost everything once and then I found it again the day I met you and I refuse let my life slip away so quietly! I'll scream it until I have no voice left; I'll pound it into their senses so that they will hear it too. With every heartbeat I hear your voice and I can't let go of that unless my heart stops.

__

Yes I know it's going to happen  
I can feel you getting near  
And soon we'll be returning  
To the fountain of our youth  
And if you wake up wondering  
In the darkness I'll be there  
My arms will close around you  
And protect you with the truth

Can you hear that? The sound of waves breaking on the beach, the gulls crying. I know I'm not dreaming, it's unmistakable. Just because I can't see you doesn't mean you're not here!


End file.
